Blogging has recently become a greatly missed pastime of mine. Way too much else has occupied my time, my mind, but mostly, my life! If you read the status written around the end of August –
beginning of September, you are caught up with my health complications. For those readers whom feel lost at this moment, further down is a fairly quick briefing with all its chaos, disbelief, fascination and conjecture which will speed you up to midpoint of my colorful tale.
My assistant back then drove me to the ER where the doctor on staff affirmed the suspicions I had acquired the evening before, when not knowing my diagnosis overwhelmed me all the way to my fingertips. A daze mixed with wonderment, helplessness and fear struck my thoughts. It felt robotic to take to my BrailleNote to research my symptoms! Online and straight from the ER doctor’s mouth came the word “neuropathy.” What I discovered on my own was the following information: an incurable disease, neuropathy usually sensitizes nerves in the feet. The difference here lies in which body part the disease settled and the severity of the condition. Mine centralizes within the right knee where the severity amounts to the extreme! Neuropathy feels closest to a rug burn multiplied by five, and some days by 10. The outcome of such a horrification is an earsplitting scream which escapes my lungs at random throughout the day. Whomever does not run for the hills ends up crying as hard as me, although without the earsplitting scream that so easily breaks free. Having lived with this ailment for over 10 months now puts life in a whole new perspective. Everything I wanted, hoped, dreamt, thought and wished changed in a blink of an eye because you grow as a human when you undergo an unfamiliar stage in life, but you especially metamorphose when you suffer a minor injury to a fatal illness. It is only logical for alterations concerning ubiquitous notions to occur across a widespread period such as a lifetime to a short spell such as a broken arm or going through the ugly adolescent phase. Those alterations are perfect examples of psychological, emotional, spiritual and societal dynamics, values, norms and education facilitated by centuries of evolutionary development. Categorically, neuropathy unquestionably evolved my notions in regards to family and friends, love – in general, society, patience, spirituality, emotionality, separating important from unimportant issues, faith, happiness, myths and folklore, beliefs, disorders, illnesses, chronic pain, life – in general, and death – in general within a very short time span. Pay attention to the briefing written in a timeline format below. You can see how the neuropathy moves with fluidity from one stage to the next! The same goes for the evolvement of my thoughts, which you will have the pleasure to read in the very near-future.
A recap for anybody whom seems confused and unsure of where I am in life has been mapped out below to the very best of a crip girl’s ability. (The word “crip” is a politically incorrect version of the way too PC word “cripple.”)
Jan. – Apr.: Indescribable pain hit my right knee out of the blue. Dressing and undressing took 15 to 30 minutes and I screamed through the entire process. Could not go anywhere because the bumps on the road killed my knee to where I screamed. Sheltered myself from friends. The pain intensified whenever I was awake. Nothing could hit the knee, a slight breeze included, because it would induce unimaginable pain.
Jun. – Aug.: Medications began to work slowly relieving the extremity to a more tolerant level. The major depression lifted and I began socializing again. Still could not go anywhere nor could the knee be touched. Hope started to emerge once more.
End of Aug. – Oct.: Neuropathy worsened. Hardcore medications like dilaudid and morphine, even the percocet stopped helping. Doctors are not helpful either, they just argue about which medications they feel like prescribing because they accuse me of being addicted when I have only gotten tolerant of the medication in question. All hope and desire to live melted away. Nighttime brings with it terrible pain that disturbs my sleep. It releases when my newest assistant and best friend works acupressure points and does energy work. The relief retreats right away to not until bedtime. I have made it very clear to everyone that I want to die.
Les Fays Mor, Coblyn 