Metamorphose — by Iveta

Blogging has recently become a greatly missed pastime of mine. Way too much else has occupied my time, my mind, but mostly, my life! If you read the status written around the end of August –
beginning of September, you are caught up with my health complications. For those readers whom feel lost at this moment, further down is a fairly quick briefing with all its chaos, disbelief, fascination and conjecture which will speed you up to midpoint of my colorful tale.

My assistant back then drove me to the ER where the doctor on staff affirmed the suspicions I had acquired the evening before, when not knowing my diagnosis overwhelmed me all the way to my fingertips. A daze mixed with wonderment, helplessness and fear struck my thoughts. It felt robotic to take to my BrailleNote to research my symptoms! Online and straight from the ER doctor’s mouth came the word “neuropathy.” What I discovered on my own was the following information: an incurable disease, neuropathy usually sensitizes nerves in the feet. The difference here lies in which body part the disease settled and the severity of the condition. Mine centralizes within the right knee where the severity amounts to the extreme! Neuropathy feels closest to a rug burn multiplied by five, and some days by 10. The outcome of such a horrification is an earsplitting scream which escapes my lungs at random throughout the day. Whomever does not run for the hills ends up crying as hard as me, although without the earsplitting scream that so easily breaks free. Having lived with this ailment for over 10 months now puts life in a whole new perspective. Everything I wanted, hoped, dreamt, thought and wished changed in a blink of an eye because you grow as a human when you undergo an unfamiliar stage in life, but you especially metamorphose when you suffer a minor injury to a fatal illness. It is only logical for alterations concerning ubiquitous notions to occur across a widespread period such as a lifetime to a short spell such as a broken arm or going through the ugly adolescent phase. Those alterations are perfect examples of psychological, emotional, spiritual and societal dynamics, values, norms and education facilitated by centuries of evolutionary development. Categorically, neuropathy unquestionably evolved my notions in regards to family and friends, love – in general, society, patience, spirituality, emotionality, separating important from unimportant issues, faith, happiness, myths and folklore, beliefs, disorders, illnesses, chronic pain, life – in general, and death – in general within a very short time span. Pay attention to the briefing written in a timeline format below. You can see how the neuropathy moves with fluidity from one stage to the next! The same goes for the evolvement of my thoughts, which you will have the pleasure to read in the very near-future.

A recap for anybody whom seems confused and unsure of where I am in life has been mapped out below to the very best of a crip girl’s ability. (The word “crip” is a politically incorrect version of the way too PC word “cripple.”)
Jan. – Apr.: Indescribable pain hit my right knee out of the blue. Dressing and undressing took 15 to 30 minutes and I screamed through the entire process. Could not go anywhere because the bumps on the road killed my knee to where I screamed. Sheltered myself from friends. The pain intensified whenever I was awake. Nothing could hit the knee, a slight breeze included, because it would induce unimaginable pain.
Jun. – Aug.: Medications began to work slowly relieving the extremity to a more tolerant level. The major depression lifted and I began socializing again. Still could not go anywhere nor could the knee be touched. Hope started to emerge once more.
End of Aug. – Oct.: Neuropathy worsened. Hardcore medications like dilaudid and morphine, even the percocet stopped helping. Doctors are not helpful either, they just argue about which medications they feel like prescribing because they accuse me of being addicted when I have only gotten tolerant of the medication in question. All hope and desire to live melted away. Nighttime brings with it terrible pain that disturbs my sleep. It releases when my newest assistant and best friend works acupressure points and does energy work. The relief retreats right away to not until bedtime. I have made it very clear to everyone that I want to die.

Part II — Pain Meditation

Glasses top up with champagne, expectant voices count backwards in unison, a humongous clock, (BONG! BONG! BONG!,) chimes in the new year. According to most peoples’ beliefs, the new year acts as a rejuvenation system–a cleanser for life’s pores. A reduction in dirt and foreign junk aids to clear all the pimples and all the blackheads accumulated over a twelve month cycle so that the year can start anew. More than ready to leave last year’s baggage behind, I blindly plunged ahead into the new year, (no pun intended.) At first everything went well. Then, about halfway through the month my physical health took a backslide. Now that we are in September it has been approximately nine months of massive pain.
After 26 and a half years of having lived and coped with excessive pain, January 2011 brought so much more than was imaginable! Trying to relieve it by implementing any method necessary overwhelmed my life so, so that everything that I touched, heard, smelled, tasted and saw, at least in my mind’s eye, was composed of countless needles utilized in acupuncture, fingers and hands consistently massaged, applied acupressure or did energy work which was that beyond my comprehension, but well-known to the masseuse, to the acupuncturist and to the woman also permitted to try lifeweaving. In addition to all this I also incorporated many painkillers prescribed by a pain management physician as well as antidepressants and antianxiety medications written by my PCP. Scents to calm the mind and the body such as lavender, dragon’s blood, and white angelica were sprayed in my vicinity or dabbed on each temple, behind the neck, at the top of the head where the seventh chakra is located, and on the heart where the healing fourth chakra is found. Finally, when nothing else managed to ease the pain, which felt like a rug burn anywhere from ten to twenty-fold, imagery meditation came into play as often as up to four times per day. Desperation leads a clear path to so many open doors that you never would have considered to walk-through before desperation cleared the obstacles in your walkway. Although meditation had been a part of my life long before neuropathy took over my knee nerves, it had not been something I practiced regularly. If practiced daily or routinely meditation can create a healthier, happier life for you.

Color Cleansing
Before commencing the exercise, please find a quiet room where you can sit or lay comfortably and where you will NOT be disturbed! Okay… Ready?? Great. First, sit or lay in a comfortable position. Second, take a couple deep breaths as described in my previous post encompassing breathing techniques. Good. Now, focus your attention on the pain area. (If there are multiple pain areas, use the area with the most pain as your main focal point.) Next, assign the pain a color. (Yes, giving pain a specified color can be perceived as a ridonculous concept, but after doing this exercise a few times it not only gets simpler to imagine pain as a color, but the thought of putting the two nouns together no longer seems completely worthless and a waste of time.) Then, take that color which you assigned to the pain and bathe yourself in it. Envelope your body in the color. Use your mind’s eye to even bathe your inner body in the color. Next, imagine a drain is somewhere below you. Okay… Pull it! All of the color drains out from you and from around you taking the pain down with it. Once it has all gone down the drain, revert your attention back to the pain area. What color do you see now? After assigning a color to the pain, repeat the above steps. Afterwards, assign another color. Repeat each step till you get to white and the pain has substantially released, or till it has released to your personal standards. TIPS:
1. Color Cleansing eases the pain by draining at least half of it and keeping it from pouring right back into the pain area for a couple of hours, though the outcome usually depends on the strength of a person’s mind’s eye. In other words, the outcome depends on how clearly one can see or one can focus on the imagery at hand. Practice makes it easier to see the colors in your mind’s eye more and more clearly. 2. When there multiple pain areas, beginning the color cleansing procedure at the area which oozes the most pain SHOULD automatically reduce pain in ALL areas. If this does not seem to be the case, simply continue on to the next pain area once finishing with the worst area. The pain will let go soon enough.

Iveta

Whisky or Wine?

Smart girls do the talking
Pretty girls do the walking as
guys come flocking to them, gawking.
Optimists exude perky
while, to cynics, water looks mirky
But to me, it’s all quirky
how people act the same, yet different.
Curious how a person burns bright
when another burns brilliance!

And why’d her finger shine
a month after my ex and I hoaxed
we’d be together forever?
Am I more like a shot of whisky and
she more like a sip of expensive wine?
Smooth, elegant flavors come to life
personifying the few ounces as a gush oozing strength and spontaneity,
though, wine, so fine and valuable, evokes irresistibility!
Is this how you view she and me?
Or is my cynicism rising slowly?
Yes, a cynic, I am!
Smart and a sexy walk, it’s probably your Sam.